aka "What the Fuck is Video Games?"

Axiom One: The End of Video Games

In 1612 the first video game was invented. It couldn't be played by humans though. It was a rodent-only console, name of "CoolBox", and for centuries it held a monopoly over the video game market. Until December of 1982, when the Big One, the Jet Black Turd itself, Atari game "ET" was unleashed. It demonstrated how destructive video games could actually be when made for humans, especially on home console. A Big Ooopsie, a Mistake, the likes of which was never repeated until the tragic film release "All Dogs Go To Heaven 2".

Since then the human-centric games industry has made made regrettable mistake after regrettable mistake, making video games so much more worse!. Everything from Life Service to "Fort Nite", it's fucking Dog Shit and we hate it (don't like it).

Now, it 20XX and the state of gmaes industry is practically beyond repair. It's completely Fucked. A Shitstorm. Honestly pretty bleak. So what do we do? Well, simple. We have a Plan, a Mission, that Mr. Big Rat gave us last week by writing it on the back of a 16oz Rold Gold pretzel bag, then dropping it off under the windshield wipers of my 1996 Dark Green Honda Civic. Here at The Rat Zone, our job is to infiltrate video games and demolish these disgraceful Fucks from the inside! It's going to be really cool. Basically what we'll going to do is make what are called Imposter Games that look and smell like video games, but aren't don't. We will then release our games into the local ecosystem, where they will kill all the other video games through various Bacterias and Pathogens.

But creating these false prophets is no easy matter. Believe it or not making video games, even Shitty bad ones, is acctually pretty hard actually. But it's okay, we already broke into the "games industry" and pilfered all of their secret techniques! No longer will things like UV mapping and NULL pointers be the exclusive property of the so called Big Boys, they're ours now. And soon? They're going to be yours. Just wait, it's gonna be soo worth it >:)

Axiom Two: Stop Wasting My Fuckin' Time With Games That Are Too Damn Long

I said stop it! Seriously, we're sick of games that pointlessly pad themselves out like crazy and are more like shitty part time jobs than a game you're supposed to have fun with. I'm too busy walking down the road looking for Tasty Garbage to deal with that. Not that we wanna judge people who like those games of course, sometimes you gotta decompress with some mindless grinding. For instance Log of Legend or "Ford Night".

But for us we want to create smaller gamings that are only as long as they need to be. That way we can boil them down to their essential Ass Blasting Game elements, similar to how you boil a egg for the good breakfast. Mmmm now we want Denny's or a diner foods. Unfortunately all the dennys locations around us keep being Shit Canned, we used to go their late at night after pulling all-nighters during college. What fun!

Oh yeah, we also don't want to work on the same friggin' (fricken) thing For 5 years and 3 months or whatever. After you spend enough time on the same project it genuinely sucks the fun out of it and makes you question why you're investing so much time into something that goes just goes bleep bloop. The man who keeps poking me with a stick will get bored and Pissed and leave, then I won't be able to type any more. At some point you just gotta stop! What are you doing? Didn't you hear us the first time?! We said stop!

Axiom Three: No Sequels!!!!

Speaking of not wanting to work on the same thing forver... Once we've finished something, it's done. For ever, We're not doing it again! We want to move onto something else so we don't get bored and Sad. You will NEVER be able to predict what we're going to do next?1?

If you see us make a sequel, that means something has gone horribly wrong. One or more of us is probably dead! The rest of us are probably secret alien duplicates, similar to the movie 1982 John Carpenter's THE THING by John Carpenter. If you haven't seen that movie before, we highly recommend it. It's a good sci-fi horror flick with cool practical effects!

Only exception of course would be a shitty low quality knock-off of one of our own games. Think About It: if you make a bootleg of your own game, it means you can beat other bootlegs to the punch! Nobody in the AAAAAAAA (octuple-A) industry has thought to do this because of "brand integrity" or "legal ramifications". What Cowards! We are smarterer than them, and will always be one step ahead so long as long as the demon we keep in THE CAGE keeps granting us the ability to do so (be smart). They haven't even realized the True Secret at the core of Gaming, the secret ingredient to releasing certified Banger release after Banger release.

Axiom Four: A Little Bad Is Can Be Actually Good

Too often it seems that games try to be Good. There is nothing wrong with this, except it's completely wrong and bad advice for Game Development. Fuck That!!! You think we have time for that? How about instead of trying to be Good At Things all the time, we simply acknowlege we Suck Ass at some things, and that's okay. After all, we are making video games, and that is hard enough - if need to choose Bad but Interesting or Good but Boring, Bad but Interesting is probably more good probably. Besides, the Bad can be funny sometimes, or if it seems intenitionel then nobody care...

Axiom Five: Rodents First!

That's right, we're talkin' rats and mice! You know them, you love them. We're not just called the RAT ZONE for no reason, there actually is a reason we promise!

We at the Rat Zome want to bring gaming back to it's common roots. Nobody knows gaming like these little guys, and honestly games are probably so Fucking Bad and Shitty because they're only made for humans. No more of that! it's time to liberate video games! Not only will our interactive experiences reach a wider audience, but we can also slowly create a RAT ARMY (big) to vanquish modern civilization. Pretty cool huh? *

Of course, this is not just a selfish act... Rats and mice keep on getting the short end of the stick in this day in age, and it's unfair. Why can't they just have a slice of pizza? I mean come on, you clearly got yourself a large pizza and there's no way in hell you're going to finish the last half of it on your own. Talk about greedy! Plus, nobody wants to eat left-over pizza (unless you're a freak).

Axiom 6: DO NOT DELETE THE MAIN MENU!!

They say that all procedures for proper Valve certification are written in blood. we will not elaborate. you know who you are - dO NOT DO WHAT YOU did sgain

Axiom Seven:

rat :)

*if you would like to have yoru Organs removed and be Gifted the ascension of Ratdom (we replace your liver with rat liver), please email us